Cloud Goes to College
by Carbuncle
Summary: Cloud decides to enrol at Midgar County College, much to the annoyance of Tifa. She warns him it might not be a good idea, but he obviously goes ahead and enrolls anyway. His new life is anything but sweet. God, help him...


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Cloud Goes to College  
  
(open to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Barrett, and Aeris are all sat at the bar. Tifa is stood behind the bar)  
Cloud: Okay, I've been thinking...  
Barrett: Damn, did it hurt?  
Cloud: Eh, very funny, Barrett. But seriously, let me get right to the point; I want to go to college.  
Aeris: Ooh!  
Barrett: You serious?!  
Cloud: Sure am! I'm fed up of being stuck around here with nothing to do every day. I want where the action is!  
Aeris: So you're going to enrol in Midgar County College??  
Cloud: Exactly! Not just a pretty face, are you, Aeris?  
Aeris: (giggles) Oh, Cloud! You're so nice!  
Tifa: (sigh) Cloud, are you sure you want to go to college?  
Cloud: Whaddya mean, Tifa?  
Tifa: Well, college isn't all fun and games, y'know. It can be a lot of hard work.  
Cloud: I know that.  
Tifa: I don't think you do.  
Cloud: Of course I do, Tifa. Just don't worry about me. I can handle anything they throw at me. I'm ready to learn. I'm gonna give 110%.  
Tifa: Okay. If you think you can do it, then yeah, go to college.  
Cloud: Ha! I'll enrol first thing tomorrow!  
Barrett: Why doncha do it today?  
Cloud: What?! And miss the 'Amazing Aeris!' show? Yeah, right!  
Tifa: (to herself) Just keep quiet, Tifa. Just keep quiet.  
  
(cut to Midgar County College, next morning. The entire lobby is full of eager young people who are at the college to enrol. Cloud enters the hall alone)  
Spotty Teen: Hey look at that guy. (to Cloud) Forget to comb your hair today, old man?  
Cloud: Old man?! Who the hell're you callin' old?! I'm only 21-years-old!  
Spotty Teen: (sarcastically) Oh, okay. You're 21. Cool.  
Cloud: Are you being sarcastic, young man?  
Spotty Teen: ...No.  
Cloud: Alright then. (pause) Say uh, where do we sign up for stuff?  
Spotty Teen: ...Stuff?  
Cloud: Y'know, class stuff.  
Spotty Teen: Oh, right. You mean where do we go to enrol?  
Cloud: Do I mean that? Uh, yeah.  
Spotty Teen: Just choose your subject, get in line and wait.  
Cloud: Choose my subject? Get in line? Wait?! Man, I haven't even enrolled yet, and I'm already confused!  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Aeris and Tifa are sat at the bar)  
Aeris: So how do you think Cloud is doing at college?  
Tifa: He's only gone to enrol, Aeris. I shouldn't imagine he'll be getting up to anything just yet.  
Aeris: Say, do you think maybe we should've went along to, you know, offer our support.  
Tifa: He's a grown man, Aeris. He can handle it.  
Aeris: I've always wanted to go to college...  
Tifa: Well I'm sorry, but I can't let you go too, Aeris.  
Aeris: Why not? You're not my mother.  
Tifa: (sigh) Go and clean up the barf in the bathroom, please.  
  
(cut to Midgar County College. Cloud is stood in line waiting to enrol)  
Woman: Hello, what can I do for you?  
Cloud: Yes. I'd like to enrol at your lovely college please.  
Woman: Sir, this is the cafeteria lunch line.  
Cloud: What?! (to the Spotty Teen) You lying scumbag! You told me to line up here!  
Spotty Teen: (offscreen) Haha!  
Cloud: Ergh! (to the woman) Excuse me for a moment.  
(Cloud walks off)  
Cloud: (offscreen) Lie to me, would ya?! Face the wrath of my sword!  
(a loud bang is heard)  
Cloud: (offscreen) Yeah, take that!  
(Cloud gets back in line)  
Cloud: (to the woman) Now, where do I go to enrol?  
Woman: ...Oh boy!  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett, Aeris and Tifa are all sat at the bar again. Cloud enters with a big smile on his face)  
Cloud: Guess what, everyone! I'm a college student!  
Barrett: (gulp) No way!  
Tifa: Really?! You got in?!  
Aeris: How?!  
Cloud: Oh, it wasn't easy.  
  
(cut to Midgar County College. Cloud is talking with an instructor)  
Instructor: Do you like ice-cream?  
Cloud: ...Yeah.  
Instructor: Welcome aboard, young man!  
Cloud: Cool!  
  
(cut back to 7th Heaven)  
Barrett: So when d'ya start?  
Cloud: Tomorrow morning. Ten thirty.  
Tifa: Don't they usually start first class at nine?  
Cloud: Tomorrow morning. TEN thirty.  
  
(cut to Midgar County College, next morning. Cloud enters the 2F Classroom)  
Spotty Teen: Well, well, well. If it isn't the 21 year old boy wonder.  
Cloud: Damn, don't tell me you're here too?!  
Spotty Teen: So we're going to be in the same class for the next year, huh? (sarcastically) How wonderful.  
Cloud: Well if you don't like it then you shouldn't have signed up for Biology.  
Spotty Teen: Biology...? This is Chemisty.  
Cloud: (embarrassed) You don't say...?  
  
(cut to the 3F Classroom. Cloud enters looking pretty bummed out)  
????: (offscreen) And what time do you call this?  
Cloud: What the...? Oh no! Not you!  
(the evil Professor Hojo is sat behind the front desk)  
Hojo: Hello, Cloud. How're you?  
Cloud: (angry) Hojo! You're the Biology Instructor?!  
Hojo: Yes. Surprised?  
Cloud: Why the hell did you have to teach here?! Couldn't you have gotten a job in Junon College instead?!  
Hojo: Junon College?! You must be joking?!  
  
(cut to Junon College. The whole building is flooded by the high tide. Students are swimming to their class. Cait Sith is with them)  
Cait Sith: Watch out for the fish, fellas.  
Student #1: Fish?  
Cait Sith: Yep, the fish.  
Student #2: (laughs) Like we're scared of some fish?!  
(a huge shark smashes through a wall and swallows the two students whole)  
Cait Sith: Screw this! I'm gettin' a job!  
  
(cut back to Midgar County College)  
Hojo: Okay, class. Today we're going to learn all about reproduction.  
Cloud: Oh, crap!  
Hojo: Now to make the lesson a bit more interesting I have arranged a little demonstration for you all. Hopefully it will encourage you all to pay a bit more attention.  
Cloud: (sarcastically) Whoopee!  
Hojo: Scarlet, Heidegger, could you come in here please?  
(the classroom door opens. Scarlet and Heidegger both walk in. They are wearing their underwear)  
Boy: Wow! Naked woman!  
Girl: Wow! Naked man! (pause) He sure is ugly though!  
Hojo: Class, you will now witness the human body in all its glory. Scarlet, Heidegger, remove your underwear.  
Cloud: Dude!  
(they both get nude but you cannot see their "bits" because many of the students have their heads in the way (and also cause this is a fanfic and you can't see anything, period. I trust you're using your imagination though, right?))  
Class: Ooh! Aah!  
Hojo: What a beautiful body, don't you agree, children?  
Scarlet: Hey! Did that guy at the back just take a picture?!  
Hojo: Wha...?  
Heidegger: You said there'd be no cameras, Hojo!  
Cloud: I think I'm gonna barf...  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Tifa is cleaning the bar when a strange man walks in)  
Tifa: Hi, what can I get you?  
Man: (pulling out a gun) Hand over all yer money in a paper bag!  
Tifa: Or what?!  
Man: Ahem, I have a gun here, baby.  
Tifa: Oh, yeah. The gun.  
Man: C'mon, hand it over!  
Tifa: Not on my shift!  
(she jumps over the bar and beats the crap out of the man before throwing him out onto the street)  
Tifa: (to herself) They never put up much of a fight.  
(she goes back behind the bar. Aeris walks in)  
Tifa: Oh, hi Aeris. Good day?  
Aeris: Not really. Three old women stole my flower basket.  
Tifa: ...Okay.  
(Cloud enters the bar)  
Tifa: Good evening, Cloud. How was your first day at college?  
Cloud: Bad! For my first lesson I had to watch two old people have sex, and then don't even get me started about lunch time!  
Aeris: Why? What happened at lunch time?  
  
(cut to Midgar County College. Cloud is waiting in line for lunch)  
Cloud: (to the guy in front) I don't know about you, but I hate waitin'.  
Weird Teen: You wanna buy a cheese burger?  
Cloud: From you? Nah, that's okay. I'll wait until I'm served.  
Weird Guy: Aw, c'mon! I'll suck your-  
Cloud: (interrupting) Whoa! Don't even go there, pal!  
  
(cut back to 7th Heaven)  
Cloud: And then it got even worse in the afternoon.  
  
(cut to Midgar County College. Cloud is wandering the hallway)  
Cloud: (to himself) Oh, damn. I'm lost again.  
(a teenager walks past)  
Cloud: Oh, hi. Excuse me. Can you help me? I need to find Room A113.  
Teenager: Sure. You go straight down the hall. Turn left. Then right. Then straight ahead. Then left again. Then down the second staircase. Then turn left, and you'll find the room on your immediate right.  
Cloud: Say, thanks!  
(Cloud wanders off down the hall. The teenager continues on his way when an instructor wearing a white coat grabs him)  
Instructor: Okay, Gerimo, you've had your fun for the day. Get back to Remedial Class.  
  
(cut back to 7th Heaven)  
Cloud: I spent the rest of the afternoon locked in the college basement! If I ever see that kid again I'll rip his head off!  
Tifa: Cloud... I-I don't know what to say.  
Cloud: Boy, when I first went to college, I thought it'd be fun and exciting like that episode of "The Simpsons" where Homer went to college. But instead it's been painful and disturbing, like the "Futurama" episode where Fry went to college.  
Tifa: Y'know, Cloud, if you feel that way about college then maybe you should... give it up.  
Aeris: Yeah, you don't need education, Cloud!  
Cloud: Hey, yeah! I'll give up! I don't even like the place anyway!  
Aeris: Do it, Cloud!  
Cloud: Uh-huh! I'm gonna march into that place tomorrow morning and say-  
  
(cut to Midgar County College, next morning. Cloud is talking with Professor Hojo)  
Cloud: (continued) -I want extra homework!  
Hojo: Really? Your enthusiasm has astounded me, Cloud!  
Cloud: ...Wait-a-minute! No, wait! I said it wrong! Can I start again?  
Hojo: Pardon?  
Cloud: I quit your stinkin' college, Professor Hojo!  
Hojo: I see. Oh well. Sad to see you go, Cloud. You had potential.  
Cloud: I did? You really think?  
Hojo: Oh certainly.  
Cloud: Eh-heh-heh! In that case, I don't quit. I'll just sit down here.  
Hojo: I'm afraid not. You've totally offended me by calling the college "stinky."  
Cloud: Huh?  
Hojo: You're expelled.  
Cloud: Dammit!  
Aeris: (offscreen) Oh, tough luck, Cloud.  
(Cloud looks over and sees Aeris sat at the back of the classroom)  
Cloud: Aeris??  
Aeris: Hey, I enrolled too, so that we could spend more time together. But you had to go and spoil it all by getting expelled.  
Hojo: (quietly to Cloud) Don't worry. She won't be here for long.  
Cloud: Why? Don't you think that she has a future here?  
Hojo: Oh no, it's not that. We're dissecting her tomorrow.  
Cloud: Wha...?!  
Hojo: Oh, don't look so shocked!  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud is sat at the bar with Tifa)  
Cloud: So I figured you were right all along, Tifa. College just wasn't for me.  
Tifa: Oh, I'm sorry, Cloud.  
Cloud: Don't be. I'm just glad to be getting back to normal.  
Aeris: (offscreen) Get away from me! Get away from me!  
Cloud & Tifa: What?!  
(they both run outside)  
  
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Aeris is being chased by a group of students lead by Professor Hojo)  
Hojo: Stop that Ancient! Don't let her get away!  
(Cloud and Tifa watch from outside 7th Heaven)  
Tifa: Oh, dear! What now?  
Cloud: I think Aeris is in trouble again...  
(the crowd catch up with Aeris and begin to attack her with a big rake)  
Tifa: Oh my God, they killed Aeris!  
Cloud: You beasts!  
Hojo: Okay, everyone! Good job! Now lets take her body back to the lab!  
(they all run off)  
Cloud: Man, I love my life.  
Tifa: (laughs) C'mon, Cloud. I'll buy you a beer.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END__________  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
